AllBetter

Finding Strength in Struggle: Amir's Road to Recovery

• Joe Van Wie • Season 4 • Episode 87

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What happens when the structure of a military household collides with the chaos of addiction? Join us as Amir, an alumnus of Fellowship House, shares his compelling story of growing up in Scranton with a strong-minded mother whose military career shaped his early years. Amidst the discipline and the profound absence of his father, Amir reveals the emotional toll of his mother's multiple deployments and the resilience he built navigating these complexities. Listen as he opens up about the strong influences in his life and the unseen struggles behind a disciplined exterior.

Amir had always vowed to avoid the pitfalls of substance use, but his freshman year of college marked a turning point. He candidly recounts his first encounter with marijuana, its initial appeal as a stress reliever, and how it gradually became a daily habit that impacted his academic and personal life. Through his journey, you'll hear about the juxtaposition of his dedication to mental health as a career and his own battles with addiction. This episode sheds light on the multifaceted challenges he faced, from the pressures of becoming a parent to the grueling balance of seeking recovery while maintaining professional responsibilities.

The heart of Amir's journey unfolds at Fellowship House, where he found the community support crucial for his recovery. With raw emotion, he describes the initial anxiety and eventual comfort he experienced within this supportive environment. Key moments include the transformative power of open communication, the importance of surrendering control, and the ongoing commitment to service that Fellowship House instilled in him. Celebrate Amir's continued dedication to recovery and his inspiring drive to give back, proving that the journey doesn't end with personal triumph but extends to uplifting the community.

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Speaker 1:

Hello and thanks again for listening to another episode of All Better. I'm your host, joe Van Wee. Today's guest is Amir. Amir is Fellowship House alumni. Amir is here today to discuss his entry into recovery, the events that led to treatment. We also discuss what addiction did for him, what needs it met and why addiction is so powerful and still so easily misunderstood. We talk about the barriers that were in the way sustainable, long-term recovery, how he faced off each one of them in the first year, how he asked for help and support in each one of these problems. I really look forward to you meeting Amir. Okay, well, we're here and I want to start with this.

Speaker 1:

The word and name Amir has its roots in Arabic and is commonly translated as commander, prince or leader. It originally referred to someone with authority, often a military leader or noble ruler. Historically, the term was used across the Islamic world, particularly in the context of leaders in Arab and Muslim societies, and could be applied to various ranks and nobility or governorship. In early Islamic times, amir, commander of the faithful, was a title used for the caliphate, emphasizing their leadership over the muslim community. Over time, the term amir has been adapted into various languages, maintaining its association with leadership and authority. So this is the first time I'm having a commander, and you were our first noble prince at Fellowship House.

Speaker 1:

How does it feel to be the first Regal alumni Humbling Amir? Thanks for coming on. Man, I thought maybe we could talk a little bit today about your background, your bio, growing up, true blue west side and you do bleed blue always, um and then we could talk about what's happened over the last year. So, uh, why don't you give me a summary, uh, of what it was like growing up in scranton?

Speaker 2:

um, for me growing up in scranton, um, I was always so. I've had the same friend group since I'm three, four years old and it's remained since. Now, as I'm older, my biggest thing was like family. My mom put that first and things kind of shifted because my mom wanted to give my sister and I a better life, so she joined the military and kind of from there I seen it as a sacrifice. But my sister didn't really take it that way. My dad was always in and out. He kind of was never really there, but at one point in time we stayed with him. From there these things happen like childhood trauma.

Speaker 1:

So I couldn't really, I guess, get over it, but at the time I didn't know that you didn't really, I guess, get over it, but at the time I didn't know that you didn't know and these words weren't used trauma.

Speaker 2:

It was just for me, growing up in a background with my mom being already strong-minded because of the things she dealt with her life. It only made it stronger once you joined the military. So with that it almost made it seem like being a single mother and having a son, that anything that I went through I just kind of had to deal with it and get over it and just keep moving. So with me I never really got in trouble. I was always a standout kid or a leader in my friend group or anything that I did. So I kind of attached myself to other things, that kind of suppress everything that I was going through. But again, being young, I don't understand the words of suppress or the things that I was dealing with. It was just normal life to me.

Speaker 1:

Well, how old were you when your mother joined the military? What branch did she go into?

Speaker 2:

I was five my mom joined the army and then from there I stayed with my grandparents. My mom first went to like basic training and then it just got. My mom ended up deploying three or four tours Iraq, afghanistan and from there at first I stayed with my dad. Then my mom soon realized that just wasn't a good place for my sister and I. So from there we kind of like bounced around. Like one year we stayed with like a lady that my mom trusted from church and didn't end well. She was like stealing my mom's money.

Speaker 1:

Oh boy.

Speaker 2:

So from there and then my sister kind of started to rebel with everything that was going on. So from I ended up staying with one of my friends.

Speaker 1:

So how old was your mother when she went into the military?

Speaker 2:

Maybe I would say like late twenties, late twenties, you're five.

Speaker 1:

She returns from bootcamp. She's deployed Um when she comes back and you're with her every day. And now the influence is your mom and her house. What influence did the military you think have on parenting?

Speaker 2:

I think it was more of structure. And then my mom's biggest thing has always been she never wanted my sister and I to go through the things she's gone through. My mom's life was kind of rough. So I feel like with that it was just more strict and also trying to make up for time. So my mom has never been the one to tell my sister-in-law she loves us. It was almost like you should know already and then with that people would say that my mom kind of tried to buy us with buy her love in a sense.

Speaker 1:

so I think she was just compensating and when you say buy, was it more I don't know of of providing, or was it trying to buy favor? Um, I think that love comes through provision. Like I'm providing my life, energy, my time, 40 hours plus, goes to committing and bonding and raising you. Um, do you think she kind of translated it?

Speaker 2:

that way, I think it was a sense of providing, but also um like materialistic things yeah like there would be a time where I could ask my mom for anything and she always struck it up to. Well, I'll figure it out. I ended up getting it and I think also because I'd never gotten in trouble. I was always like a by the book kid. Anything my mom said like I did. All she had to do was scream at me, and I understood. My sister was the complete opposite.

Speaker 1:

So yeah, yeah, she ran a tight ship and you were pretty much you walked the line. You're, you know, early childhood, even adolescence, and active in sports. How did that come about? How did you get involved?

Speaker 2:

in sports, particularly football, so it's funny, my grandfather. Actually, when I stayed with my dad the first time, it was kind of like district, it was church, school, home, that's literally all it was.

Speaker 2:

What church Were you at Amal, bethel, salvation Apostolic Temple. It's on Maynard, yeah, my grandfather. So that was just all we did and my grandfather kind of was like, well, you need to allow him to do something else. So from there my dad actually signed me up when I was really really young. I actually played D team two years because I was underage the first time Falcons or Jets. I was a South South Grand Steeler.

Speaker 1:

Oh, get out of here you were. Oh, okay, I thought you were. Why did I believe you were in Westside early childhood? Or is it just high school? Uh, middle school and high school, middle school and high school. Okay, so you were a Steeler man.

Speaker 2:

That's the bad news bearer so football been a Viking after I never played PV football on Westside yeah, yeah, it was either a Jets or the Falcons.

Speaker 1:

The Falcons had like shiny, brand new gear in the Westside, jets we, we had to practice Cloverfield. There's usually hypodermic needles, broken Genesee bottles there. Our coaches were drunk. The Steelers man, oh, that's wild. And so did you take to football right in midget league.

Speaker 2:

Immediately. Honestly, it was just like an outlet for me and I fell in love with it. It was something that wasn't church or school or being at my dad's house getting screamed at or chastised for things that were out of a kid's control. So how old are you? 27?

Speaker 1:

no, uh at the time of the steelers.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, when you started five, four or five, four or five. So there's there's periods of your life that are outside the structure of the house, the deployment of your mom missing a primary caregiver, and then there's other mentors in your life, between your grandfather, the influence of the church. But football I want to look at that. Can you describe the experience? Remember we've talked about flow state like this ability to become good or so interested in something, even while you're becoming an expert at it. That time fails to be acknowledged, confusion is alleviated and there is a flow. It's like binary codes just flowing. How long into football before? Maybe you had that first experience and describe it to me Was it? Was that the first place you felt flow?

Speaker 2:

I'd say so. Yes, honestly, it just became natural to me and, like I said before, it was an outlet, so I wanted to learn every single thing about it. I remember my first time playing. I knew nothing about football at all, but I knew that, um, there was a job to do and I seen tapes on tv and I mimicked that. So from there I just kind of fell in love with it and it just carried on from um d on to high school football, a little into college.

Speaker 1:

So you got all this going on Childhood. What was the definition for you of substance use disorder, or people who used alcohol or drugs, or your understanding of it? What was your relationship to that idea the first 12 years of your life?

Speaker 2:

I didn't know much about it, honestly. So addiction runs in my family. I seen it on my mom's side. My mom has a sister that dealt with it for years and I remember being young and she would call my mom's phone when she was really high or something and I just never understood it. It seemed like distress or strength. So from there I kind of took it as like, well, that's not what I want to be at all, you don't want to be that call.

Speaker 2:

I don't want to be that person, so I never. I kind of disliked because I seen the stress that it put on my mom. So I told myself that that's just not something a life I want to live. And then fast forward. My sister ended up struggling with it when we were maybe in high school. She had her first child at 15. So from there I seen all like what my sister was doing and her rebelling and my mom's still trying to run a tight ship with my sister kind of going against all of that yeah so I started to um get this, not I wouldn't say hatred, but it almost made me feel some type of way and resent like resenting bitter

Speaker 2:

definitely resentment or bitter. So for me I kind of took that as it made like the path that I was on even stronger, Like I definitely won't do any of this. Yeah, I feel like for me there was always just a missing piece, Like I never I suppressed everything my entire life. So with that I kind of moved forward in my life and never really tried to indulge or learn about what was really going on yeah, yeah, and who would be capable of that?

Speaker 1:

sometimes at that age it almost has to be shown True, or especially if it's not permitted. I guess the last note on this, before we start to talk about how you get introduced to alcohol and drugs, what you just described what did that do to the expectations, or what were the expectations of your mother then, even after the military, now that your sister is showing opposition, defiance, is having struggles with being a mother at 15? What are the expectations on you now? Who's not rebelling and how would you meet those expectations? How did you feel them and how did you define them?

Speaker 2:

I feel like for me, just always walking that tight rope, I feel like it was always the expectation was Amir's always going to do well. So he wasn't really a worry or a care, because it was expected for me to. Anything that I've done or I tried to do, I was going to be successful at it, just because of the foundation that my mom built and the type of mindset that I had. So I feel like it was almost, in a sense, I just wasn't a worry. So with that, no one really thought to think that Amir wouldn't be okay at some point in time in his life?

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and in that parenting did she always stress cultural pride to be yourself, Because you seem intact, even with the stress not being able to express it, but you seem pretty intact to handle responsibility, resiliency. There's stress around you and you're still walking a path. What supports were there, even though you couldn't express yourself? Was it just your mother's discipline and guidance? How would you then? Was there coaches?

Speaker 2:

Part of that. I think the big part was my mom. I've always looked up to her but I also got it from the outside thing. So like I also the other part of it. I did love football but I got that father figure from some coaches.

Speaker 2:

Like I remember a time when my mom was away, when I left the Southside Steelers and I went to the North Grand Vikings. I remember a few weeks prior to me even going to think about playing there, a guy showed up at my grandfather's church to buy food and he looked at me and he said you're going to play for me next year. And my mom was like well, I'm leaving. The only way he's going to play for you is if you pick him up and take him, because I have no control over that. And he started that and he almost let me into his family.

Speaker 2:

It wasn't only he would take me to work out with his other sons. And then it became a point where I was sleeping over their house. They'd have a boys' night out on Friday and they'd allow me to go. So that's kind of where it started. So I looked at I had good people in my life that I kind of looked up to. Then with my friend group. They have their fathers in their life, so also them. They've allowed me into their family, like I was one of their own as well.

Speaker 1:

That sounds welcoming. Regent High School, ending middle school when did you first see alcohol in the social setting amongst your peers, and how did you make the transition that this could be something safe or it's just part of life, and how did you get introduced to it?

Speaker 2:

So middle school and high school, me and my friends always would hang out at my one friend's house and there'd be no parents around, but he had older brothers and they would smoke, drink, have a bunch of friends over and I still always took the stance like being around it, but that this just wasn't for me, honestly, and I and and that was all like middle school, high school, like I could be around it, but I had a strong mind enough to where I told myself this is going to mess up anything that I have going on or want to do in the future.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, it wasn't until maybe college, my freshman year of college, that I, um, I tried marijuana for the first time, and from there I remember vividly I it was a night before a big exam and my friends kind of kept trying to talk me into going to smoke with them and I kept saying no and finally I did, and from there it kind of I got this thought in my brain like this is what I've been missing my entire life, like this is going to be able to allow me to deal with whatever it is. I'm going on, I have going on.

Speaker 1:

So let's unpack that. So this is immediately. You have an experience through smoking pot, smoking it correct and you have this, the state of consciousness that is just foreign. That would it be accurate to say. Maybe you've never experienced, I would say so. And if you had to describe it like with this sentence, completing the sentence, this experience relieved what?

Speaker 2:

Stress, whatever was going on in my mind, because I remember there was a time where, a week prior to that, I remember I was sitting in a class, my freshman year of college, and this lady came in and spoke. I think she was a counselor and she had said well, I know it's a rough time for all you freshmen. You're away from home, you got a lot on your mind. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here. My door is always open.

Speaker 2:

And I got this feeling like in my chest, like maybe it's time that I need to speak about everything that I have going on. So I got the courage to go and speak to her. So I went to her office and she wasn't there. So from there it kind of took it back to a place of well, this is the reason why I've been suppressing everything my whole life. Like, finally I get the courage to go speak to somebody about how I'm feeling, because I don't know what's going on. This is the first time I've ever had this feeling and I've never dealt with anything. And for you to not be there, you didn't mean it. So I kind of took that as a negative and she simply could have just gone home?

Speaker 1:

Yeah, she could, so it could be a coincidence. It's strange how we're like I could relate to that. I think other people can that this is the funny thing about even agnostics or atheists a condition like there are, a scenario like that happens, where the person's not there and somehow they interpret it as an answer of a bigger structure, a narrative. The universe told me, when it's just someone going out to lunch and if we had a healthy resilience, it sounds like yours is starting to just crumble. You take a risk, you want to express some stuff that maybe you feel you should talk about. You've always been internalizing and putting on your shoulders and now the universe told you see what a failure. I get that. I get that. Now I got an answer. So, instead of talking, there is a shortcut and marijuana arrived as a good thing in your life. Like this is how it arrives. It's giving you something. How'd that progress? Like were you drinking at that time?

Speaker 2:

I've never really been a drinker. You weren't a drinker. Yeah, like I can go to a party, maybe drink a little, but for the most part I was never a drinker. Just never really. I don't like, I'm very what's the word I'm trying to say? I just don't like to be outside um drunk or anything like that.

Speaker 1:

You don't like that having control do you feel like correct?

Speaker 2:

like I like to be aware of my surroundings at all times, like I'd people, so you weren't drinking every night at fellowship house. No, never.

Speaker 1:

So the first kind of connect a little bonding with, say, an outside chemical experience is marijuana and from the start it's producing something that seems valuable, has value, how does has value? How does that progress? Is it casual use at first?

Speaker 2:

at first it was casual use and then it became to a point where everyone that I was hanging out with football season was over in college, so it would almost be. I'd get out of class at 4.30,. I'd be done by 5 o'clock. Me and the people that I surrounded myself with were smoking pot, and it just became an everyday thing and it progressed to well, I have an 8 am. Am I really going to go? No, I'm not really going to go. I'm going to go smoke pot with my friends. So it just got worse. And then from there I transferred schools and I met a friend that kind of had the same mindset that I did. So it progressed.

Speaker 1:

And did it like not go into class? Was it? Was it an after effect of lethargy, lack of attention? Did it diminish ambition, or were you considering doing something else or felt trapped? How would you describe it?

Speaker 2:

I think it's just more of the ambition thing. Yeah, like I've always been, I've always done well in school. So I'm the type of guy that would go into a class and in the beginning I'd see the syllabus and I know just amount of how many assignments that I could miss. But if I get this high on the exam I'd be fine, yeah. And once I got to college, it was almost people like college is so much harder, and I was like, well, you didn't read the syllabus? Yeah, exactly. And from there I kind of took it that way. I stopped going to class and from there, like Kings, king's is a small school, yeah, so if you miss a few classes, your professor is probably going to email you and make sure you're fine. Yeah, and at the time I was in the economics program and the lady on the chair we had a good bond so she would check on me all the time and I thought at the time that she was just being annoying. So from there.

Speaker 1:

That's a real, economical way to approach college. So your time banking this is how I'm seeing it. Correct me if I'm wrong. You read a syllabus, you see. First you know the opportunity cost of doing everything. You lose time to smoke pot and have a social life. So let me look at the diminishing returns of doing this. And you get time back. So you're immediately scanning for the value of when do I have free time? Free time is when I feel relief or I feel relaxed. I haven't had enough of this in my childhood. Would that be an accurate scan of how you approach your economist?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, most definitely. It was like that in high school as well. Like I remember one of my best subjects, it's chemistry. I remember my first day of chemistry class my sophomore junior year. I was sleeping in the class and the teacher was pretty upset and he came and gave me this whole lecture. Oh, you're going to fail. This isn't a class that you should be sleeping in. Listen to him. We got our first exam. I got a 98 on it. He didn't say anything to me for the rest of the, for the rest of the quarter. So it's always been that way in school. The school came easy to me. Did you sleep again in that class? Of course yeah, cause I knew that, um, I would. I can listen and learn. As long as my ears were open, I'd be fine.

Speaker 1:

When did you pay consequences be it if it was marijuana or things elevated that um other drugs got introduced and it didn't seem like you were seeking them out. From your history Kind of summarize to me how marijuana elevated to something else.

Speaker 2:

It elevated to something else, when I'd say probably, when I got into a relationship, it was always kind of around that said person.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

And that's kind of the lifestyle she lived. So from there she was already like a big pot smoker and I think she just was looking for something, too, like other than pot, and from there it was just introduced and it just got out of hand it. It got to a point where it was like, well, the pot worked, but this is 10 times better. Um, I can still this. It puts me exactly where I need to be in terms of not dealing with whatever I have going on.

Speaker 1:

And was that an opiate Correct?

Speaker 2:

And what do you think the opiate was treating? I?

Speaker 1:

think it was treating you better. Remember from psychoeducated.

Speaker 2:

I think it was like the nurturing factor of it.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah, it's interesting I mean just to put the landscape out there for a lot of people who don't understand how powerful opiates are. And there's a distinction with opiates and addiction, because they're not like dopamine or rewards it is nurturing and opiates they treat pain. They treat pain and you can have physical pain and get the proper amount of opiates and you won't walk out of the hospital an addict because it's treating the physical pain. But if you have 20 years of compounded emotional suppression, pain, lack of bonding or think the world's not a safe place, the nurturing effect of an opiate is hitting the chemical software system of your brain. That's telling you a new parent arrived. It is the chemical of love, like it's.

Speaker 1:

So I think that's missed with why stigma persists in any way, or it even persists in even some recovery communities. That that doesn't involve volition or will. That is a hack, that someone hacked my hard drive and now I'm going to be a participant in that. I mean, why wouldn't you want someone to feel that way if they were in pain? And that's that's what a real addiction is. It's that's what, and that's the illusionary nature of it, that you feel like an internal parent arrived. Did the consequences arrive quickly. It's hard to maintain any kind of relationship with an opiate at that age, with a lot going on having a really strict timeline for school employment. What happened? Timeline for school employment.

Speaker 2:

What happened? So for me, I feel like the consequences didn't arrive early, yeah, like they honestly didn't. I was constantly living a double life, like I had my addiction started and I stopped at Cold Turkey to join the military From there. There was still kind of like that feeling so I could come home on leave and that was the first thing that I was doing, and even then I'd go back like everything was normal yeah um, from there I took a.

Speaker 2:

I ended up taking a job at a state prison. I feel like that's really where it kind of been heightened. Yeah, um, at work I was fine, perfectly fine, just the environment that I was in. And then I go home when I got off of work and that'd be the first thing that I wanted to do.

Speaker 1:

Do you think working in a prison had an influence over that Cause? The environments? Was it stressful for you or was it?

Speaker 2:

that's a really stressful job. I don't think it was the environment for me, I just think it was. It could be a sense of still not dealing with whatever I had going on. And then I have this sense of um, ultimately not close friends, but I know a lot of people that have their lives have ended up in situations like that. So to have the thought, knowing that, like what I'm doing, or the path that I'm going down on my second life, because I'm living a double life at this moment, that it could lead me here, so to have that thought in my head, it kind of that was the stressful piece of it.

Speaker 1:

So there's this invisible boundary in your mind that, if it's not clear where it is, but you know if you indulge too much, a line could be crossed that it's very hard to return from. So there's a restraint in you. You're trying to use a drug in what I don't know would be a responsible way and still have the benefits of it. I think that's pretty reasonable for most people, especially as you're. You know you haven't had withdrawal, you've been in the military. You're coming home from leave. Does that attitude later hinder your entrance into recovery? That like restraint, willpower.

Speaker 2:

Definitely I don't think. For the longest even I didn't know much about recovery, so it wasn't really like a big piece in my mind Like I would have like spouts of telling myself like this isn't how I want to live my life. I know I need to stop and I don't. I've always told myself I didn't have like an addictive personality.

Speaker 1:

So I chalk it up to if I wanted to stop, I would. Yeah, you don't have personalities, or you know it's a construct of you. Have a great personality. You get a lot of pain.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, definitely, just haven't dealt with.

Speaker 1:

When does it become apparent to yourself, or maybe others first, that this is starting to look like an addiction, and why?

Speaker 2:

So once I finally got home and I was just working, I think, like my my mom started to kind of she's a hawk, right? So she'd make little comments here and there and I'd be like, yeah, you don't know what you're talking about. And from there I found out I was having a baby. So instantly I told myself this this can't be it. And I stopped by myself cold turkey, yeah, and I was living. Did you have withdrawal at that?

Speaker 1:

time for a couple days.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I did. It was really bad, but like I remember, once I got over that hump, like I remember going outside and seemed like a a whole different. I was like where have I been living? This looks completely different than the life that I've been living in. So I kind of I started working again. I took a job in mental health and I was doing that for a while and everything was going fine. But there was still a missing piece, because now I'm having a baby but I'm still in a situation to where I'm unhappy and I'm not dealing with whatever it is that I have going on.

Speaker 1:

And what attracted you to mental health? Was it an attraction or an opportunity?

Speaker 2:

that you felt before you went? I think a little of both. I think it was like I know so many people that have dealt with mental health in my life and for me I guess I feel like I enjoy helping people, so it was a scapegoat for me to not deal with whatever I had going on, and you're very good at it, Um, not only professionally, um, socially.

Speaker 1:

we've helped many, many people here. Um, I don't think a lot of people would have got through this program, uh, without knowing you. I, I don't think a lot of people would have got through this program without knowing you. I appreciate that. So you stop again on your own. You find an exciting new career path to mental health. It has more than just a career label to it. There's a mission, a vocation to it. How does addiction interrupt that again? And you have a child. At that time she was on her way.

Speaker 2:

I remember, towards the end of like, my daughter about to come, there was just an opportunity to do it once again, to do opiates once again, and I didn't question it, I just went straight in and I did it. And then, right around that time, I guess, I felt like everything was going so well, like I kind of deserved to do it, I'd be fine. Like I quit once before. It's a reward, yeah, I shouldn't, it shouldn't be a problem. Then I got into nursing school, so everything was going the right way. My daughter was going to be born soon and just had no worries. So I felt like it is what it is Blue skies, yeah. And then from there it just progressed until I think my daughter was like a month or two. I finally called my mom and I let her know this is not okay. I need to change my life around. Was she surprised? She wasn't surprised.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, of course her mother knows, she knew the whole time. Yeah, man, she is like Spock or intuition, she just is like Professor X, she knows everything that's going on right.

Speaker 2:

And for me I knew she knew intuition, she just it's like professor x, she knows everything that's going on right and like. And for me, like I knew she knew because my mom would stop coming around as much she'd answer the phone for me. Then it'd be random things like oh mom, I have a bill due here. Um, I'll give you back the money on friday. Well, my mom has never really been one to let me borrow money. Anyway, she thinks I'm cheap, so she'll let my sister borrow money. Her favorite thing to say to me is you love to spend everyone else's money except yours. She's kind of true.

Speaker 2:

So from there, that was the struggle. So I just decided to check myself into a rehab In the first time. Surroundings I remember even the first time being there, I told myself I can't relate to anyone that's up here at all. I'm just here to and why.

Speaker 1:

What do you think you were listening to that made you start making more distinctions, that you're different, rather than more things you could hear to say, okay, I'm similar. I understand that. What do you think? Was it a defense? Or did you really not relate to, maybe, the severity of their addiction? What was it?

Speaker 2:

I think it was the severity, like I would hear people share their stories and how they lost everything and like where their addiction took them and I was like, well, I've always kept the job, I've maintained the same friends, everything in my life is okay for the most part. It's just this addiction that I'm battling. So I told myself I'm nothing like you guys at all, just kind of ignorant of the whole situation. So from there I kind of like I wanted to change completely and I was all for being sober, so from, but it was just kind of like a missing piece again. Yeah, I just didn't fully indulge into it.

Speaker 1:

You didn't feel part of a community At all.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, so I ended up getting out of rehab and I obtained some clean time maybe about three or four months and I got a foot surgery.

Speaker 1:

And from there on purpose, unfortunately no, I put my foot in a vice.

Speaker 2:

So from there, I think the part of it was me too. Even you could, in a sense you can kind of say, maybe not on purpose, that I got the foot surgery, but I didn't. I didn't make it a point to keep reminding the doctor that I'm an addict, yeah. So from there, obviously that was my sixth foot surgery. Goodies were on the way and even then I didn't go pick them up. And then I had someone taking care of me. That was an active addiction, yeah, and me being like I couldn't move or anything like that, and seeing them constantly come in high. At that point it was kind of like, well, what else is there to do? I'm stuck in bed. Yeah, it gets defeating. So the next thing I know I'm using with that same person again.

Speaker 1:

So the next thing I know I'm using with that same person again and it's hard to have a connection, especially if someone you care about or if there's love involved One's in an addiction. You're unreachable to each other unless you're either going to get sober or share the addiction. The bond is just disconnected. One will kill you rebonding with it. But it's painful to be disconnected, and especially living with someone and addictions, the disconnection One will win.

Speaker 2:

So I even then, so that once it started it kind of it didn't stop. My foot got better and from there I was kind of like off to the races. I didn't see anything wrong with the situation From there. I was living with my mom at the time because we felt like it was easier for me to take care of my daughter and still go to nursing school. So I just kept going with the flow.

Speaker 1:

How did you command attention for school study writing? Because you have really, uh, focused attention. Um, was it starting to decline? Was addiction doing anything to that?

Speaker 2:

Not, not, yet Not that part of my life at all. Um, it was still. I still maintained everything. Yeah, like I believe that in the beginning I really didn't have any like consequences, to the point where I told myself they're visible Exactly. Yeah, there was definitely consequences, like I could say ultimately, I mean, I have a daughter at this point. Yeah, I've always preached that. I want her to have a better life than I did.

Speaker 1:

Do you think you'll discuss addiction when they're in the Times right?

Speaker 2:

I think it's necessary, definitely because this isn't just something that I forget about. The moment I do, I can go back to where I was before.

Speaker 1:

Now, is there an event or multiple events that bring you to this final approach, to to where you're at now? How did that?

Speaker 2:

unfold. The event was, I remember being in nursing school and all my grades were great, completely fine. I had taken, we had a, a small course. There was two exams and again Amir gets in his head all two exams, the commander. I know it's. I know what in his head. Oh, two exams, the commander. I know what I need to get on the first one to be fine. So I didn't study. I got an 80 on one of my exams so I told myself, well, it'll balance out. I just got to maintain an 80 average in this class and everything will be fine. I remember I never disclosed this with anyone.

Speaker 2:

The night I was supposed to go study, do it on a podcast, of course. The night I was supposed to study, I had everything flashcards and everything like that. I was going through withdrawal really bad and I ended up meeting someone, but I waited hours for them and at that point, once everything went, fell through and went the way I wanted to, I was like I'm not studying at all and there were some things that I should have studied because prior to that I had missed the lesson. I didn't go to class and or I would walk in and out of it the one time we had class for it. So from there I I got like a 45 on the exam.

Speaker 2:

And that was the first time in my life where I was like, wow, this is really the effects of the things that I'm doing. I'm not taking this serious. And I got pulled into an office pretty much with a lot of my teachers and like the director, and she had let me know like, hey, I don't know what you have going on, but your grades are declining. We don't have to talk much about what you have going on. If you want to, we can, but I'm going to allow you to leave here and get yourself together and then come back, because there's clearly something you have going on, wow. And from there I walked to my car and sat there and was like, yeah, this is not okay. Like now, for once, the things that I want to do with myself or my life, it's starting to go downhill.

Speaker 1:

And it's visible to other people, especially professor. There has to be some, not only just your attendance and then the production of a great mate. She could. Your eyes, your affect, your physicality is probably showing it and wow, that that took a lot for her to probably approach immediately.

Speaker 2:

Just come at you directly see, but the thing is, in the beginning I I feel like I built a good rapport with people, so she felt comfortable enough to let me know that, like whatever you have going on in your life, it's not okay.

Speaker 1:

Yes, sort of.

Speaker 2:

And I would rather you get yourself together than see you go down like a hill, because at the end of the day, yeah, this is something you want to do, but priority is whatever you have going on in your life. You have to get that together first, before you can even sit in a class 10, 15 hours a day If you don't have your mind.

Speaker 1:

you don't have anything. Exactly, you don't have anything. The world's only experienced by your mind and there's only a world because you have one.

Speaker 2:

Exactly. So from there I left and there was another two months of me still being in chaos, honestly. And then I met my mom the one day she was. I was like asking her to take me for like to get a new job at this point, and she was like, oh no, you're not getting in my car, I'll get you a bus pass. So I was like, oh well, just give me the money. She was like no way, I'm going to take you down to get it myself. And from there I kind of had this feeling like my mom doesn't even trust me to be in her car anymore. And it's not that she doesn't trust me, it's just being around it hurts.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

And at the time I didn't see that, I didn't realize the people that I was hurting Cause I've always had this factor or this piece like, well, how could I affect you, mom? Like I don't have your money, like anything that I'm doing it's outside of your house, so how does this really affect you? Just ignorant to the whole situation. And then I remember I was living still with the person I was in a relationship with and I felt like I was at my low, but I always kept on to this, this piece, like there's definitely light at the end of the tunnel. I just need to get myself out of this situation. I didn't know how I was going to do it, but I knew that like my life just wasn't that anymore, like I've became somebody that that I didn't want to be. It was outside of my morals and what I believed in. I've allowed people to dictate or have that, have that peace in my mind that they can just walk all over me. And it just wasn't. I just didn't like that anymore.

Speaker 2:

So I remember the one day I was supposed to go to a family event and I was like, oh, I'm just going to stay back, I'm not feeling the best. And my mama showed up and anything that I could fit in her car, I packed it in there and never looked back. And then, even then still me just being Amir I was like, oh, you need to go to rehab. And I was like I'll go to a detox, like we're not going to argue, and, of course, but my mom's usually the bigger arguer because she talks it up to anything that I say. It's just disrespectful. So, and I'm in her house so I just have to abide by her rules. So she made a call to Marworth and at first I was like no way, I'm not going and I decided to. Honestly, the best decision I ever made.

Speaker 2:

That was last fall Last fall, and even from there, when I was there, my whole plan was to get out of there and go live back with my mom. But I remember there was a time where How'd that work out? Yeah, I remember I was sitting actually in a room with my counselor and I think we hadn't gotten into me and my mom had gotten into an argument. So she put her on speaker to call her back, because now, like I fear failure I've always have and I guess things were starting to happen so fast up there and I was starting to see a change and I didn't like that. So I started to rebel and I had such a great counselor to where she called me into her office. She's like I'm putting you on a contract. I'm just going to be completely blunt with you. You're a great guy, but what you're doing here is just not it. So at the end of the day, we're here to save lives. If you're not serious about it, you could leave and I was upset. But I was upset because she was right. So in the midst of that, I had I left her office, slammed out of there, and I came back and I was like well, you know what? You can just sign me out now. And she was like okay, well, I'll call your mom. So we argued for another 10 minutes and I was like you don't need to call my mom. Like I'm at the time, I'm old enough to make my own decisions to leave. And of course she called my mom, put words. She said in there, my counselor looked and was like yeah, I don't think it's best if you go back there. So she pulled out a paper and it said fellowship house on it. No idea what it was at all. She was like uh, I know someone. Tim actually said I know Tim. Um, I'm going to have a conversation with him and he probably will send you an application. So I went to my other groups. She came and got me. She was like oh, you need to have this in by two o'clock. It was probably like one. So I'm the application. What did you think of that? I was like okay, I'm just filling it out.

Speaker 2:

And then now I get this sense of like I'm kind of anxious because I was asking a bunch of questions on the application and I'm like well, they're talking about you have to be the right fit here. I've heard a couple of people up here that didn't get in. I'm like, do I fit in? Is it going to work for me? And then from there I kind of filled it out and then I was told I was going to have an interview. Then again I'm on the phone with Tim interviewing me. I'm on the phone with Tim interviewing me. I'm like, well, this is going great.

Speaker 2:

But there's still that piece in my head because I overthink, like to stay clean and do what I need to do to change my life. I've been the one kind of running the ship. It's maybe time for me to take a step back and allow others to show me or be around people that are going to let me kind of do what I need to do, you know, or a strong recovery. So from there I just took a step back and I allowed the counselor and Tim. I spoke and things worked out and I came to Fellowship House. I remember I got dropped off here at Elephant and for the front door and I met you and we spoke for a while and it just felt like comfort and the difference now it kind of was I was just sick of living the same life that I was living. Yeah, and I knew that here I needed to whether, if it was speaking or doing whatever I need to do for my recovery, it needed to happen here.

Speaker 1:

And your initial stay here. We started launching our, our new programming. Uh, the php and iop was converging. How would you say the the first 60 days here? Did it's, did it transform or change your definition not only of trauma, anxiety, reactions to fear, um, did it change your definition of substance use disorder, or did it or did it reinforce what you were learning?

Speaker 2:

I think, for me, so I can even take it back. So within 24 hours of being here I had gotten into a huge fight with my mom Insane. So I'm a type of person that kind of I give my all when it comes to the people that I love Like I spread myself very thin. So I remember getting into an argument and for the one time in my life I was like I'm finally going to pick up the phone and call someone. I remember trying to call you but I had the wrong number, so I just kept calling. I'm like call someone. I remember trying to call you, but I had the wrong number, so I just kept calling. I'm like, why is he answering?

Speaker 2:

And from there I kind of got that that spot when I did in college, like, oh well, no one cares. And then something in my head told me well, no, keep calling. So then I called Tim. He didn't answer and then I called my counselor from Marworth and she texted me and then I got a call back from Tim. Then I explained everything that was going on and from there, after I explained and I talked, and then I came here because I called the office and it was open yet yeah, I remember that.

Speaker 2:

From there I told myself, well, a part of my recovery is I need to stop like holding on to things I need to share. I need to. If it's bothering me, I need to let it out, because once I let it out I can process things in my head a little better, like that's part of my recovery. And then I'm to a point where I feel like when I speak people listen. So I never know that something that I might say can help somebody else, because they're struggling or have that idea that no one would understand what they're going through. That's why they don't explain or let it out. So that's been the biggest piece here for me, like just speaking up and talking about what I'm going through and I feel like I've gotten the space every single time to do that.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah, I always want someone to feel that way. I was shocked, you had the wrong phone number, you're calling me. I ran right over to feel that way. I was shocked, you had the wrong phone number, you're calling me. I ran right over the house. I'm like, I'm on my way.

Speaker 1:

How would you summarize the entire experience here? You went through a lot of stressful events while you're here and being in the structure of not only sober living, having clinical care, the resources of not only a counselor having clinical care, the resources of not only a counselor. Now we have CRSs, me anytime you want to access me. What would that have looked like if you weren't in the structure and protection of sober living while you're building up that resiliency to reestablish work, school, parenting, a car, because that happened pretty rapidly for you. But it never feels that way because you're not. You're alumni now and you got to keep coming back and telling guys, man, because that happened, that happened just quickly. You just kept following the numbers and I know you had days here where you thought this fuck it. Yeah, like I'm getting, I'm getting too many kicks in the nuts here, man. How would you summarize it now, sitting here today, what that experience was for months?

Speaker 2:

For me, the experience, like the structure of the sober living is one thing like it's great, but the biggest thing here is, I think, it's the support and like the outlets, like you guys truly care and that's the biggest thing about it.

Speaker 2:

Like there's real work being done here, like I'll always hold fellowship house top tier for me. Me, I can't complain because it's a program that truly changed my life, and not only changed my life but allowed me to kind of find myself more. When I first got here, I had the idea that once I sat in a group that I knew that I was not going to take days, months or weeks to kind of try to figure out what I need to do for myself. Like I fully was 110% into the program and I can preach, I think, because of that. Like I reaped the benefits of it and I continue to, because I was ready to make a change for myself and that's the biggest thing. Like people can be around you and motivate you or push you to do better in your life, but part of that has to be you wanting to do that for yourself as well, because it starts with you.

Speaker 1:

So when I read your application on the second screening, I got to meet you here. You're exactly who we're looking for and I'm going to tell you why. Because I knew if you got better, you were going to help other people. That's the first. So we're looking for two things in the application. You got some wild questions in there, right, I'm looking for willingness and where their motivation is, even if it's low or I feel like they might even be low and a little noncompliant, that's fine.

Speaker 1:

But is it a person that if they recover and they get a balance back in their life sanity, are they going to owe that debt to other people they haven't met yet? We knew that was you, so that's our culture. Will you turn around and pick somebody else back up? And you've done nothing but that since you've left with constant communication to the guys at the house, stopping by speaking and making yourself available while you're maintaining more education? Nurse, you just got a raise Parenting. I couldn't have been more proud. If we close tomorrow. That was it. That would be the whole value, because to me, the only currency that is meaningful in life especially after you die or if you realize you're dying in life what's your currency, what's your echo in life? Did you help someone realize they didn't have to be suffering? That's currency. I know you have that in your heart. I knew that right when we met. So is there anything I didn't ask you that you feel I should have?

Speaker 2:

No, but I will say always, I always will. I appreciate everything you've done for me, not only you, but everybody else around here. Like I hold Fellowship House like near and dear to my heart and I forever will, and I've I told you before I left I always want to be a part of this, whether if it's coming, speaking and just showing people that this program does work. If you allow it to, I'm a walking testimony of it and I will continue to be, because there's great work being done here, truly.

Speaker 1:

Well, amir, I'm flattered and that feels good to say. I'll always be in service to you as well. So thanks for popping up, thanks for having me. I'd like to thank you for listening to another episode of All Better. You can find us on allbetterfm or listen to us on Apple Podcasts, spotify, google Podcasts, stitcher, iheartradio and Alexa. Special thanks to our producer, john Edwards, and engineering company 570 Drone. Please like or subscribe to us on YouTube, facebook, instagram or Twitter, and, if you're not, on social media, you're awesome. Looking forward to seeing you again. And remember, just because you're sober doesn't mean you're right.